The Toe Poke Daily is here every day to bring you all the weirdest stories, quirkiest viral content and top trolling that the internet has to offer, all in one place.
Didn't we tell you that midweek Premier League was the best Premier League? Tuesday night brought with it a batch of fixtures with action aplenty on display under the floodlights.
The headline clash saw Chelsea and Arsenal hammer out a 2-2 draw in a lively encounter at Stamford Bridge that boasted a red card, a solo wonder-goal and a thrilling late equaliser.
Desperate to show his former team exactly what they are missing, Arsenal David Luiz lasted just 26 minutes before getting himself sent off for a foul on Tammy Abraham in the penalty area as he desperately tried to atone for Shkodran Mustafi's woeful backpass.
The Brazil defender may be regarded by many as a perennial red-card-in-waiting, but this was in fact only the second time he has been given his marching orders in the Premier League. Still, there is a lovely bit of cosmic symmetry about those two occasions.
David Luiz has received two red cards in his Premier League career:— Squawka Football (@Squawka) January 21, 2020
📆 Sep 2017: vs. Arsenal (for Chelsea)
📆 Jan 2020: vs. Chelsea (for Arsenal) pic.twitter.com/iUwbdSV3hS
He was then forced to watch the remainder of the tie on a small backstage screen, WWE-style, and there was a wonderfully meta moment when broadcaster BT Sport's David Luiz Cam showed David Luiz watching David Luiz on David Luiz Cam.
Where did that 'Luiz cam' even come from? Didn't think the game could've been more bizarre but there we go. 🤷♂️ pic.twitter.com/DfnMI7p7nU— David Cartlidge (@davidjaca) January 21, 2020
New Black Mirror was wild pic.twitter.com/OXxiLWIA8s— James Dart (@James_Dart) January 21, 2020
There she is my queen ❤️ pic.twitter.com/G6M8Cud5MS— Caoimhe O'Neill (@CaoimheSport) January 21, 2020
Elsewhere, Everton welcomed Newcastle to Goodison Park on a night when kids from a local school had been tasked with drawing up the home side's team sheet.
Never has Morgan Schneiderlin's essence been captured so accurately.
⚠️ TEAM NEWS (with a difference)! ⚠️— Everton (@Everton) January 21, 2020
🔙 Sidibé and Schneiderlin in for Coleman and Davies
🎨 Designs courtesy of @Linacreprimary x USM x @TacklingBlues: https://t.co/DvxeAGpjad #EVENEW pic.twitter.com/NrQIfq6ivN
Linacre Primary School did the Toffees proud with their doodles of the players involved, though it did lend a slightly confusing air to substitutions.
The latter goal saw Lejeune force the ball over the line from close range as goalkeeper Jordan Pickford struggled and failed to keep it from crossing the line as the ball pinged around the six-yard box.
This led to a merciless trolling from former Toon left-back Olivier Bernard, who ribbed the England international over his (supposedly) little, Tyrannosaurus-like arms.
Manchester City managed to sneak a narrow 1-0 win on the road against Sheffield United, with a single Sergio Aguero goal -- his sixth in his last three games -- proving the difference between the sides.
The intensity of the Blades' pressing obviously came as a shock to Aymeric Laporte's system after the French defender returned from injury only to be quickly reminded how fast and furious the Premier League can be.
Still, Laporte showed why he is the classy customer that City have been missing with a textbook example of how a tackle should be made.
That's how you do it 🤭 pic.twitter.com/h3iCKw3WC4— Aymeric Laporte (@Laporte) January 21, 2020
Aston Villa hauled themselves out of the bottom three and brought Watford's mini-winning streak to a halt with a vital 2-1 win over their relegation rivals.
It took a 95th-minute winner to settle matters at Villa Park, and Ezri Konsa thought he'd scored the winner -- right up until the point he was informed in the tunnel that the ball had actually gone in off teammate Tyrone Mings' foot. Watching the footage of him learning that he had not actually scored his first ever Villa goal is a real heart-breaker.
Mings later apologised to his dejected teammate for robbing him off his maiden goal, though we're certain that the three points will be all that matters in the cold light of day.
What a night -- and we get to do it all again on Wednesday when Manchester United, Tottenham and Leicester are all in action.
Egyptian club signs 74-year-old in hope of breaking world record
The Egyptian Football Association (EFA) has announced the registration the oldest professional player in the world, 74-year-old Eez Eldin Bahder. pic.twitter.com/KWo7vCmlND— VBET News (@VBETnews) January 22, 2020
Just recently, Yokohama FC agreed a new contract with Kazuyoshi Miura, who turns 53 next month.
An evergreen striker who has played all around the globe, "King Kazu" is famed for being the oldest active professional footballer in the world.
However, Egyptian club 6th October FC have blown their Japanese counterparts out of the water by signing a player who was born before the invention of the microwave oven.
The Egyptian Football Association have confirmed that 74-year-old veteran Eez Eldin Bahder has been registered by 6th October, though no details have been offered as to his precise role.
Little is known about Bahder, but the BBC reports that the club have invited the Guinness Book of World Records to come and watch him play in a third-division match as they are keen to have him officially recorded as the oldest professional player in the world.
Convoluted publicity stunt? Yes. The answer is almost definitely yes.